The other day, I had a grand epiphany. As I sat on my back patio, sipping a glass of wine, I began to trace back my own evolution of adulthood through the years. Teens….moment to moment living, thinking about the future only in ways that made life more exciting, first loves, second chances. Twenties…so carefree, fearless, never mindful of present decisions impacting future outcomes. Thirties….hopeful, more mindful, taking note of exciting occurrences that catapult us into growing up, such as marriage and babies, mortgages. Right here. I traced the beginning of the kind of life I’m living to right here.
The epiphany: I live a safe life.
Can I, just for a moment, help you understand how disappointing this epiphany was for me?? It’s just so….predictable. I hate being a foregone conclusion in any manner.
I realized that before fully accepting the foot I placed into adulthood, followed by the other so happily, I made my decisions based on joy, fulfillment, with ease and with the full and absolute belief that no matter what decision I made, so long as it was made with integrity and truth, the outcome would always be in my favor. I wasn’t lackadaisical. I certainly wasn’t lazy, and never disrespectful of the responsibilities I had that matched my age. However, I had a beautiful trust in myself that I rarely second guessed. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that everything was going to be ok. There would be ups, downs, storms and sunshine, but when I made decisions they came from a place of joy and truth. Now they come from a place of fear and what-if.
How did I go from being a worry-free, easy-going lover of life and a true gypsy at heart, to anxiousness, fearfulness, and self-doubt?
Each year that a rental lease would run out, it never even dawned on me to stay another year. Why would I?? There were far too many places to see and experiences to be had. Each season presented a wiping clean of the previous one and New Year’s Eve came with the promise of so many new and undiscovered adventures for the following 365 days. I loved meeting new people, I’d try anything once and laughing came so so so easily to me.
This was a beloved and cherished trait in myself that my grandmother passed down to me. She would tell me tales about my grandfather coming home to find notes on the front door when they were just newly married:
“We don’t live here anymore. Come to xxx yyy zzz address. We live there now.”
She would move into one apartment, clean and decorate it and immediately become bored and begin looking for the next dwelling she could take over and make her own…and then move again. It drove my pap crazy. When I heard this story it made me love her even more.
Somehow my gypsy faded into a recess of some corner of some space in my heart, but I found her and wow is she ready to cut loose.
She asked me a question: What kind of life are you living?
“As I sit and reflect on my life, I can without a doubt say how thrilled I am that I led a safe life, never took risks and always took the easy way to ensure no excitement was more than I could handle.”
Not.Makeover by AtHome Beauty.