Do you know the difference? Do you know which is the hardest to spot? I didn’t for a long, long time but I’m happy to say that I can spot each pretty easily now.
Listen, this is important to hash out. I never really thought about any of this until I was utterly exhausted due to giving all of my time and energy to the Takers and Fakers. So much so that I had no time left to give to the Givers. That is seriously unbalanced. My last post was on Personal Responsibility and this post goes in tandem with that one.
Why is this a new theme for me? Because, for a long time I wrote about self-love, self-care, and self-appreciation and you all know how important those topics are for me. I think one of the most complex, joyous, disappointing, nurturing, careless and extraordinary relationships you’ll ever have in your life is the one you have with your Self. Goddess knows it takes time, so much hard work and tenderness to even remotely begin to unravel that kind of love, trust, and self-guidance. A HUGE, GINORMOUS part of working all of that out is understanding the dynamics of how infinitely intertwined the behaviors of others towards you play a role in the journey of Self. As you get to know your Self, it’s so important to then understand the role others play in that reflection.
Givers. There is likely nothing I can say here that you don’t already know, but let me give it a go. You know the Givers. They are the folks that share a reciprocal relationship of giving and taking. The balance is clear in everything they do. They take when they need, but they balance that with giving when they are needed. We cannot go through this life without needing help, so don’t be disappointed when a Giver needs to be given to. Think about your closest circle right now. You’ll know who these friends and family members are, instantly. They’ve always been there for you. They raise you up when you’re down and knock you down when you need it. They are honest, forthcoming, givers of love and also givers of tough love. These are the ones you keep close to your heart and protect with everything you have. If you don’t have any of these, get them. Get them now. No one can make it without them. Remember to always lift up a Giver when you can. They don’t get lifted up nearly as much as they should. Typically, they are the ones that never get recognized because their deeds are small. However, those deeds are consistent and the people they surround themselves with are consistently taken care of and lifted up by them. Today, I want you to think of a Giver in your life and thank them. Thank them deeply with true love. I can promise you they don’t get it enough. Recognition is not their goal, but it sure makes a person feel damn good.
Takers. These folks are pretty easy to spot as well. You know them. Always needing something. Always taking from others without appreciation or regard for what someone had to give up financially, emotionally, spiritually or mentally to give to them. They have distinct targets; the Givers that just can’t, for whatever reason, say no to a Taker. They don’t even realize that by giving to them, not only are they dramatically taking away from themselves, but they are instigating and stoking the fires of the Taker they are giving to, encouraging and enabling them to continue to take, take, take, with no responsibility for the aftermath. Another side effect of giving to a Taker is the it doesn’t just effect you; it effects everyone around you too. As an observer of this twisted relationship, it’s maddening because you typically sit on the sidelines, helpless to break those chains between a Taker and a Giver. If you are a Giver that has glued to a Taker, I highly recommend that you figure out a way to break that bond. I know that’s easier said than done, but you are doing the Taker a disservice, to say the least, but the true misfortune of this relationship is what it does and will continue to do to you. I’m not telling you to cut this person out of your life, but you need to ask yourself an important question here: What have you got to lose by saying No? They will be angry? So what?? They will not talk to you?? Awesome! Then you don’t have to put yourself out all the time for their selfishness and mistakes. I guarantee this: your happiness and lightness of dropping such a load after the initial reaction will be soooooooo worth it.
Fakers. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh…..Fakers. These are the tough ones. GAH! Oh my Goddess you guys…Fakers are the WORST! Fakers can be super hard to spot because they come off as Givers. They come off as kind, helpful and they actually do give, occasionally. But if you peel back the layers of the moments they give, you will see that there is ALWAYS an ulterior motive that was calculated to truly only benefit them. It takes a keen eye and if you’re not super observative or have the ability to think like a Faker, they are sooooo easy to miss, and before you know it, you’re giving and giving and giving while you sit and wait for the Faker to give back to you the things they promised if you gave of yourself to them. It still happens to me occasionally, but I am so happy to say that my eye has become quite sharp in spotting a Faker. So, how do you spot a Faker? Think about the people in your life, and consider who has asked for things of you. This can be professionally and personally. Did they ask something of you, and then promise something in return but never quite got to that part for you? Oh and sometimes there is a good reason why they never quite got there for you. But how many times has this happened? Now think of this: does this person or people have a track record of leaving others in the dust as well? Believe me, if they are a Faker, they absolutely leave a trail of broken promises behind them.
What makes it so tough to spot a Faker is their ability to either be so kind and sweet or their ability to make you think they are actually going out of their way to help you. But the truth is, you either walk away burdened with tasks to help them, or you walk away feeling bad about yourself because in their “effort” to help you, all they’re really doing is pointing out what they believe your weaknesses are and what you “should” be doing, because what you are doing is either wrong or not enough. Ahhhhh….yessss…it’s starting to sink, right?? The kind and sweet are a bit easier to spot because they just simply don’t deliver on their promises. Eventually you’ll catch on and then hopefully you’ll decide to cut that off at the neck. But the other kind is so much harder because it comes as the Faker helping you. But each time you walk away from hanging out with them you feel awful about yourself, but you just can’t explain why. Then you go home and spiral down a path of self-loathing for a while, get back up and move on…until you meet with this person again…and then it the spiral starts all over again.
These are the people you just cut off at the neck. You don’t even have to tell them if you don’t want to, but yes, the Giver always feels they need to be honest and open. However, I caution you on this because there is a greater chance of you walking away blaming yourself, specifically because of the grand ability of a Faker to spin everything back onto their side. If you must communicate to walk away, do it by email, then block them and walk away from their response. I’ve done both talking and email and the feeling is one that I cannot explain. It. Feels. So. Damn. Good.
Lastly, be careful not to assume you are a Giver all of the time. Every person in your life brings out something in you. Some bring out kindness, some anger, some irritation, some an eyeroll, some a giving nature or humor. But make no mistake: I guarantee you’ve been a Taker and/or Faker at some point. So, as hard as this is, try not to judge. The point in all of this is to protect your Self and your own journey, making sure you don’t get derailed away from the path you’re supposed to walking and the life you’re supposed to be living.
Ok–so lastly lastly: give the Takers and Fakers the middle finger and walk away. You’re too special, precious and extraordinary to waste your time on them.
#youreworthitMakeover: Jamie Newhouse
Muse: Jamie Newhouse
Location: Hip at the Flashlight Factory